When I said NO... When my body paid the price... When the hypocrites were revealed

I am writing this to expose the unbearable pain; I and every woman experienced physical harassment and assault went through while reading and listening to the horrific rape crimes on social media the past two days. I am writing to unburden my self from the shame of the fact that I was harassed and assaulted violently while I was unconscious and helpless from protecting myself, this happened because I said no to Psychopath. two years ago, exactly on March 21, 2018, around 9:30 PM. And Yes, I still did not walk over the incident and still feel the pain and shame in every muscle of my body. Two years were not enough to heal as long as the perpetrator is free unpunished and celebrated by his nasty peers.

On a lovely Wednesday, I had my Chevening Interview done. I was full of hope and optimism and determination, I could not think of a better day to call a memorable day. Yet, I had to deal with shit while I was in Cairo before going home to Mansoura again. The shit was in the form of a male, who approached me claiming he seeks marriage and starting up a family within a shared cultural community that promotes Islam, morals, Sahaba, and the prophet's way of living. It was a perfect surroundings to hide a narcissist psychopath behind these glamourous signs. The Shit ended up in a staged harassment assault that I fought enough over two years to seek my right of punishment for the perpetrator but it never happened until this very moment!!!

The full story starts here I, as a conservative, who is not ashamed of it deal with relationships in a serious way. I asked to involve my family, I involved mutual friends we asked about him several times. I insisted on calling and meeting my brother first before any discussions. Had it not for my confrontational insistence, this would have never happened. Although my cautious and several layers of protection I took, something was not enough to prevent the damn shit to escalate.

After a meeting or two, with the approval of family in public places near to my friends> I realized I am dealing with a disturbed person. So, I said NO. clearly NO, assertively NO. He refused, I repeated, he started to fake breaking downs and telling horrific stories of his past and his abusive family and seeking other chances, he went to my therapist to prove good intention. A Perfect narcissist scenario right? Indeed. But it was my first confrontation with such an abusive frightening level of evil, so I could not push pack enough the way I would do today holding that terrifying experience in my heart.

How long did that last? only two months. Remember it is a formal marriage proposal, not a love relationship. My family and the SUPPOSED Islamist mutual community med are involved, nothing is a secret. During the two months, it was only a few meetings I allowed to get to know the proposed male. He was a stalker, and I said know 23 times!!! do you believe that !!! 23 times, many friends were involved and witnessed each detail, many friends were used by him to convince me to talk to him. He would have come before the place I am at any time at midnight or dawn asking me to come down to talk or he would not go!! He would cry and act as if he is broken-hearted to drag me. But he did that while beneath the window of my room. He would call my father and brothers, each of my three brothers to intervene. I repeat it is only 8 weeks I knew him. At that time, I had my IELTS test coming, my Chevening interview, my UK Universities Application, and another three scholarship I am applying for. It was the dream of my life hanged there. So, I asked him to wait until I finish so I can take my decision freely and calmly. I wanted to buy time of concentration and silence before dealing with such a psychopath. Until the day came, March 21.

I went out of my interview I called Radwa, I said I would meet him to get this crazy to an end, I told my brother Mohammed I would tell him I do not agree and he should leave away, his proposal is rejected, I do not like him neither respect him, I do not even know him to hesitate. I took my uber to Quider Maadi by the Nile Cornish, I drunk my coffee and read for a while until he finishes his work in the street behind. He came we take. He tried to make a drama, I moved. I could not find an Uber to drive me to Obour city where I would spend the night with my friend Sara. I stopped a microbus going to the Autostrad to take a transport car. He argued about unnecessary details, I wanted to leave away from immediately. On a side road in Maadai calm streets he tried to touch me. He leaned all over his tall body to prevent me from objection. I managed to get my body away in a second. I was frozen out of shock. what the hell Are you doing !! An apology came forward. I was shaking and walking the fast I can to the transport station to be among people, I jumped in the nearest car reserved three seats at the back so I can sit all alone.

The worst moment is yet to come, a second before the car moved he stepped in, I yelled: "Why are you coming after me crazy". A lady and a man in front of me looked concerned. I was freezing out of fear and shock, and I yelled again "sit away from me". He was such an asshole and replied politely loud " I am sitting away, there is a free seat between us". The car moved, the long way from Maadi Sakr Koraish to the Al-Salam station is a quite fast, and dark one. This was the worst moment in my whole life; I am feezed as if aI swallowed a stone in my throat. I had a panic attack. I was sweating, shaking, and breathing heavily. I am a hypotensive patient and a chronic disease patient how follows a daily routine of medications. I opened my bag and swallowed 3 pills to elevate my hypotension. That was a lot for my body, so, I started to faint, gradually fainting. When my head leaned over the seat in front of me, He approached me and start asking what is going on, he dragged the bills box from my hand to check it. pulled my head back, I was losing senses by then. And it happened, it clearly happened he grabbed my chest and sighs, pressed them violently. The last thing I listened to was his heavy dirty breathing close to me.

Maybe 5 or 6 minutes later, people were trying to walk me up as we, for my luck, arrived at Al-salam transport station, we crossed the Al-Salam tunnel with all the lights on on the sides of the road. The girl and the man who were in the front seat all the way were trying to walk me up with water and perfume. I have an allergy so I dramatically started to cough and trying to breathe. When I regained my consciousness back I was covered in the water, my higab is loosed a bit, strangely my necklace is broken, and one of my shirt buttons is missed, so I was wondering how I can close it, despite my long scarf is supposed to cover it is not safe. The driver asked me to move to the cafe nearby because he can not stop the car long enough for me to get better in that place. The girl was still there, she refused to leave me alone with him, she helped me to get down, and looked badly at him. I told her who did that to me, could not you walk me up without uncovering my neck top?? and I asked for the bathroom to fix my cloth. She did not reply while he was standing. In the bathroom, there was a mirror; I was in the messiest condition possible. lost my hijab pins, my button, my broken necklace is partially hanged on my shoulder. A severe strange pain in my chest I looked at her, she asked: " Are you with this man ?" I did not understand, she repeated " Are you together? does he mean something for you?" I said: " I know him. But NO. But Why?". She hesitated and then said, " He was touching you, He was turned on, you were not conscious all the time long?". I could not understand either, I could not hold my head in its place. I said He was approaching me he touched me, what else happened?. She replied, " I looked back his hand was inside your shirt and over your right leg from the outside".

Is it enough now or do we need more details?. I went outside, all I wanted was to suffocate him in my own hands. The girl left me and said call your family I should go home. Before the vanished she said " the man next to me thought you were together and he cursed you, he saw everything. When he found out you fainted, he asked the driver to light the car so he moved quickly as far as he can" She described the witness as a kind man who saved me. He, who saw everything, and could have stopped him, could have moved his hands away. could have stopped the car and get him caught, asked the driver to turn on the light only to embarrass him!!!!!. I searched for him, while my legs could not hold me to walk I asked another lady for help to sit down. He was there, doing what? Smiling, a wide confident smile. He came closer and asked if I am okay?. How dare he faked that a freaking psychopath!! I never understood it.

I, in the weakest condition, physically and mentally, walked to Obour car point. He followed me. I have chosen a seat next to a strange man behind the driver immediately and told him I am sick and I need to go home please do not let me alone, I am stranger and my family is in Mansoura miles away. The man offered me the comfortable seat, and the pig was behind me he followed me again. I wanted to go to the nearest point of protection to Sara`s house. I hold my self enough to keep my self awake and concentrated. 25 minutes later I arrived. He followed me. I was muted and when I saw Sara`s home sign I ran inside. She asked why I look pale and sick I told her I fainted. I ran to the bathroom. When I looked at myself I burst down into the most bitter tears I ever cried there were blue scars over my neck and chest big blue scars, another one on my right sigh from the outside. the side he was sitting next. A trace of nails scratches beneath my scarf closing point and guess what ?? two broken nails. His nails inside my inner cloth!!!.

I would not tell I cried. I would not tell I screamed, I would not tell I lost my sanity. None of this happened. I turned off the light washed my self up, inspected my body carefully to find out any other scars or traces of the pig`s hands. I came aware of where he pointed out his assault and what he finds possible in a moving public transport on the road full of people in the remaining minutes before someone notices what he did. I went to bed. And When I wake up I traveled home. And I froze. I could not fight, I could not fly away. So, I froze. I deleted the crime all over my day until I am forced to bath, I would watch the scars. It lasted for more than 9 weeks until it vanished. It is two years, three months, 10n days now. And I can still see it touch it and feel it. It is for two years, three months, and 10 days, and I am not healed yet. I locked my self in my room for four months before July came. I saw the pig again. He tried to come for a hangover in one of the narcissist comebacks to the supposed victim. I refused fiercely but I could not confront him of what he did. Remember I am still frozen. ! What he did again? He insulted me.

The Islamist scholar and famous influencer who is mentoring the perpetrator sat in front of me for 3 hours after I forced him to listen, after four months of trials through different people. And he asked me to finish quickly as he has something to catch up. I traveled to the UK in the hardest most painful way possible, and the animal-like harasser is cherished in the thoughtful religious community and is still respected, is still invited to weddings and social parties. is still looked at as a decent man. He is protected by a bunch of liars, hypocrites, hiding behind Islam males. And I am here writing in English to lessen those who can intervene. though many were involved, many were told the truth, nobody stepped in to protect me, not a single person, The girls whom I told, in the end, defended their sheik strongly, refused any accusations for him of plotting and sponsoring sexual harassers, they defended as if it is the end of their lives, and they accused me of making all this up. Making a sexual assault dilemma for what? for a nasty piece of shit, I would vomit if I ever see him again? A male who is hated not respected and called as a mentally retarded person( such adjectives I never knew unless I told the story in full).

What the Islamist Community did? How they responded? Here is the actual shame manifested. This is when I started over my war. I told everyone about his bad traits. I insisted to prevent him from that ( Holy blessed gathering of thought and morals). But not the sexual assault remember? I am frozen. He never surrendered, an excellently disturbed narcissist. Over the course of 4 months from June to September, I exerted every effort and saved no e energy to defend my right of punishment for the perpetrator, while the led by religious men community exerted every effort to strip me that right and protected him in every way possible. They stopped me from taking my revenge in my own wat claiming that they are a society of virtue. they are responsible for every lady and they have harassment zero-tolerance and women are fully respected. That was a lie a huge bubble of lies to pass the time until I surrender. I did not. Until the day came and I saw him again, I saw his damn face and listened to his damn voice. I was sitting in the center yard drinking some tea. And he appeared out of nowhere. I collapsed, suddenly collapsed. And I called for help, I called a leader in the community whom I told him in the start of that quest and I said " What brings hi, again here?. And that`s when their real faces were revealed. ...... I went to Noha house where I slept by that day, I told her everything while I was screaming. I did not know her well enough to do so. But she believed me. She believed me and defended the sheik who defended and protected that pig. By then she helped to force that hypocrite lecturer to sit and listen to me. I told you lines before, He was in a hurry to catch an appointment. He sat there while I describing every wound on my body, the scars were still there yet. And the next day he invited the perpetrator for an outing. By then, I told my brother Mohammed, whom I am lucky he is unable to read the horrific details I am telling for the first time here. So, when he called him again, Mohammed asked him to come and meet him for a talk and he planned to take my right in his own hands. I was unlucky that my UK visa arrived the following day, I had to pack and pursue my degree abroad. I was shattered and in the worst condition ever. However, destiny planned the hardest, the hours before my flight, I went to my mum`s room to say goodbye but she was not aware. The sickness has taken her at that very moment. I flew with the help of my brothers promising they will take care of my mother. Imagine what was the last call I received at the airport, It was from him the pig. The first call in the UK? from him again. Many times I find common friends sent me on his behalf, I did not hesitate to tell them the damn truth of him being a sexual harasser and assaulter, and the truth of their community leader being a prorector for such criminals. They sometimes cry and got surprised, but then what? they continue being part of that community and dealing with the criminal. Throughout two years, three months, and 10 days I was afraid of taking a bath. I was cursing myself of fainting that day. I called myself the worst descriptions. I felt ashamed and dehumanized. I refused any human interaction with anybody. I was all alone in a cold strange country with no friends or support. ًI used to walk in the parks hold my chest tight and scream. Why on Earth, I did not go to the police. I was attacked, sexually harassed, sick, I knew no one to support or protect: my mind replied. Then, Why I did not try later when I was able? I tried and went to the prosecution unit with the help of a friend. I needed more evidence of stalking to charge him, the assault was not possible to prove now. I could have done more.. What else? To kill myself maybe. This was the daily dialogue in my head between my ming and the voice of shame and regret that took over all my existence. For 5 months, I developed suicidal tendencies, I stopped praying at some point,I lost every feeling of life, I thought about meeting Allah every day. I felt stained, and I wanted salvation. It was almost a year then, miles and miles away, physically safe I was but destructed from the inside. I lost most of my degree, among other major health issues my mental state deteriorated rapidly. And what I wanted the most is to be listened to and believed. Then The merciful God sent me my dear therapist, mother, and supporter. She appeared on a day when I wanted to commit suicide and she offered sincere help, and she is still here. On the first year, I spent 6 months surrounded by liars and noisy relationships they were mostly empty, and all I wanted is an honest ear, all I wanted in the whole universe is to be told that I am not responsible for what happened, I am still respectable, honorable, and clean. That the narcissist abusive psychopath is who deserve the curses and punishment. The malignant disturbed perpetrator is who he is .... that is his rubbish, not mine. This never happened! In the next 6 months, I was isolated in uptown in London fighting all my demons alone, and fighting the ghosts of ending, my life beneath the train every day. The tube of London was my most hated place and most scaring part pf my day when I look at the rails while the train is approaching. Had it not for a vanishing faith in Allah and prayers that I fight to perform, these words would never be written. Today, When I read all the posts of rape and assault crimes by another pig, I still can feel his dirty hands in my blouse. I still open my drawer to check on my broken necklace, I did not dare to fix it. When I reached the optimum point of despair one day, I asked my therapist why I suffer the most why I can not move on? do I really need the punishment for me to heal? what broke me the most?. bt then she told the simple truth " You were retraumatized, Mai. All your fears of the world, past experiences, oppression, abusive relationship. patriarchism people and places were brought to life again. The perpetrator attacked your body, but those who protected him and saved him from being hold accountable became your real enemies as they summoned all your demons". And then she resumed " they sent you a message you fought long to escape and disapprove : ( You do not deserve, neither your body and dignity". Two years, three months, and 10 days onwards, I know by heart and soul that I deserve to live freely and humble to Allah. I am valued and respected and deserve every happiness and appreciation. Those who are backward, harassers, ignorant, animal-like, and hypocrites are who they are. It is their dirt, not mine. I came out a long way, I came out of the closet to restore my humanity. This needed an enormous strength and patience, not every girl is blessed with. a strength I lacked when it happened because no victim would ever have. And today, I am a survivor, a proud survivor.

My photo on March 21, 2018. 4 pm, 5 hours before the crime happened. My wide smile tells a lot. In my white blouse that I never wore again.